Cutting loose

On the outside it all looked good, I was privately educated, I had a double-barrelled surname, I knew lots of big words and my mother would have you believe I’m upper class. Life should be easy for me; I know I thought it would be.

During ballet boarding school, I found myself taking apart a disposable razor and using the blade to cut myself. For the next 15 years this became a habit. I was never sure where it came from or why I was doing it. During these years I got arrested and prosecuted. The third and final time, I discovered Clean Break from my probation officer. Clean Break is a theatre company specialising in training women who have experienced the criminal justice system. Since I’d spent ten years as a professional dancer, I liked the idea of going there.

I always felt dissatisfied as a commercial dancer because there was no political content. But theatre uses spoken word so this was an ideal outlet for my convictions and my spirit. I needed to learn some fundamentals and I got them from doing Clean Break courses Acting 1, 2, and 3. I progressed onto the Access to Theatre in the Community course and enjoyed and got frustrated with the compromise involved in devising. (Well, no-one else’s ideas are as good as mine!) And then there was singing… with a microphone… in public! Singing like dancing can make you cry as you struggle to master it: it’s a very vulnerable and scary process.

There were other challenges. I had to learn to believe in myself, I had to learn to take my moment on stage. My dance background meant I wanted to learn everything like a routine, desperate to prove I was fluent and consequently rushed text. But acting isn’t dancing: it’s about vulnerability as well as strength, and every moment has to appear virgin.

I worked diligently throughout and was proud of myself for achieving the highest grades possible. This academic success and Clean Break’s belief in me spurred me on to audition for drama schools. My first five auditions I failed; the second five I succeeded. I never gave up.

I chose to study at East 15 Acting School, which was undoubtedly the best place for me. Leaving home aged 11 affected my emotional development, and even though I appeared mature and independent, I was really a lost little girl, struggling to find her way in the world. Half way through my Contemporary Theatre Degree, a memory unlocked which explained why I felt and behaved dysfunctionally at times. Suddenly I understood why I had self-harmed for so long. I understood why I was a drug addict. I understood where the foundation of my rage began. I understood why I had been raped several times. Overwhelmed, I deferred my studies for a year to cope with the new knowledge.

I returned and passed my degree with Distinction. I was awarded the Baraldi prize for excellence with a £500 bursary. The last project on my degree was to devise a piece of theatre. I created ‘Transformation’, which I took to the Edinburgh Fringe 2007.

It’s the story of my transformation and was given a five-star review by Leon Conrad: “a stunning testament to the transformative power of theatre”. The List called it “a compelling tale… a mesmerising visual feast”. It won Cvenues’ Terrier award, ‘The Diamond in the Rough,’ and Mash Productions is making it into a film.

Clean Break continues to support me. They’ve lent me the skill of their new writing expert, and I hope to have a new version of Transformation ready for Easter 2008. I want to give something back and so I am part of a new initiative they’re piloting, a peer-support project. I have been matched with a student on the Access course and my aim is to help her complete it.

Self-harming is a lot about not having a voice, or not being listened to when you use it. I have finally found my voice, and that is the potent language of theatre.