Dreams and nightmares

Some may describe a bullying experience at school as being hit or kicked or punched. I would say the same, but the cuts and bruises weren’t visible on the outside. Inside, the story was very different. I didn’t expect to have similar experiences more than 20 years down the line and in a senior position at work.

Having secured what I thought was my dream job, I had reached the peak of my career in a highly regarded organisation which was entering a period of exciting change. With a new person at the helm, this felt like a great time to step on board. My personality and approach to work hadn’t changed from school; I was conscientious, reasonably quiet and unassuming, and eager to succeed.

At work, my senior colleagues, who would spotlight my work and skirt over their own, constantly undermined me. My role was a strategic one, and even though I was delivering the plan set out from the top, I had to justify everything I was doing in senior meetings (beyond what is reasonable). I was called names by my own team members – unprintable stuff – behind my back. I found out via other team members. I’m not sure which was worse. One particular member of my team was notoriously difficult to manage, and when I tried to put a structure in place, he didn’t like it, so he retaliated with name-calling. This is a playground tactic but nonetheless damaging when you add it to the list. I needed support from my boss throughout all of this, but it didn’t materialise.

I was responsible for a number of staff, but they were three flights of stairs away from me. My desk was in a corridor: another contributor to my feeling of being isolated and undervalued. I had no sense of belonging or personal space. There was an office re-shuffle afoot, but at the heart of that were the resisters, and people were treading on egg shells so as not to rock the boat. Ironically I was reunited with my team and actually within an office space just a few weeks before I chose to leave the organisation.

I tried and tried to battle on with this: that’s part of who I am. I became very unwell and the tears came every morning before work and on many evenings returning home. Family and friends advised me to take time off, but I didn’t want it to appear as though I had failed in some way. Having questioned why I was made to feel like this, I do have some answers.

People with their own shortcomings and insecurities choose to target people like me. At school I was seen as some kind of threat – being better, working harder, achieving more. The bullies can’t deal with that threat, so their aim is to drag you down to the point where you’re not that strong any more, so they win. The work case was much the same, with the added dimension of a lack of effective change management in a place littered with dominant personalities.

The solution has to come from the top, whether it’s the head teacher or the chief executive. In my case, I didn’t have the support from either. I have written this in the hope that those at the top might sit up and listen. Bullying victims need support and solutions, but the bare minimum is to be heard.