Are you sitting comfortably?

Latecomers. What do we do with them? Procedure is led by the theatre company, seating patrons at certain pre-agreed moments stipulated by director, cast, or producer. However, latecomers wish to be seated quickly. If the usher ignores the company’s requests and seats latecomers at random this will be noticed by the company and reported. The usher will be reprimanded. If the patron has to wait longer than they wish they will complain, some infuriated if they are not seated immediately. The usher is reprimanded.

Each new production brings different rules. Each time the usher has to slip into action, thinking: “this is the play where we have to wait for the quiet prologue to finish… this show we can seat during the overture but after that no admittance until the opening speech finishes – oh no, that was last week – this one we have to wait until the crowd scene starts which is ten minutes in – but are we supposed to seat them before the scene starts or during?...” Aaaggh!

Now, your usher would prefer a draconian ‘no admittance at any time’ rule. After all, it is they who have to lead the stressed and often tetchy latecomer in full view down the aisle and indicate they are going to disturb the dozen or so people between them and their seats. It is the usher who is subjected to the ‘huffs’ and ‘tuts’ of those disturbed as they struggle to their feet to let the latecomers pass. It is they who receive the accusative glares of the packed auditorium as they walk timidly back.

Worse! The usher reaches the row only to discover the latecomer’s seats are occupied. Aaaggh! Why? As the house lights dim for the opening of the play those empty seats are coveted by some and they move (who hasn’t, at least, considered it?) Then, a few minutes later, there’s your humble usher at the end of the row with latecomers in tow. Now the embarrassed usher has to flash a torch in the face of those seated, ask to see their tickets and try to communicate above the heads of others that they are in the wrong seats; all the while a live performance playing metres away; all the while disturbing those sat around – those who have arrived on time and sat in the correct seats.

You may think a simple solution is to use available seats further back. Yes, until fresh latecomers arrive whose seats are the very ones your previous latecomer has just filled. Furthermore, what if the alternative seats are considered lesser quality? What if the patron insists on sitting in the seats they booked? Aaaggh!

Ideally the procedure of seating latecomers is sublimely choreographed. Largely, it is farcical: the usher has no idea what’s going on, forgets what side of the auditorium seats H36 and 37 are, reaches the row and realises it would have been easier to approach from the opposite side; turns back, bumps into the confused latecomer, fumbles and drops the torch.

I call for direct Opera etiquette: latecomers seated at the back; if sold-out, patrons stand at the back; take allotted seats at the interval; no arguments. Bliss.