20 frequently heard quotes that we?ll miss from the RABs
As of April 1 the Regional Arts Boards (RABs) are no more, and a Brave New Arts Funding World is upon us. What will we miss about the RABs? A group of arts managers and consultants, who for reasons we?re sure you?ll understand, prefer to remain anonymous, suggest the following list:
?We have significant new funds - to be applied for and spent by the end of next week? (it?s the end of the financial year)
?We?ll give you an answer by the end of next month? (hopefully you?ll have changed jobs by the time we get around to responding)
?Sorry, you never were going to get any of this money? (but please keep applying, as it keeps us employed)
?We?ve changed our funding criteria to make schemes more accessible? (but you?re no longer eligible)
?We?ve simplified the application process? (and the forms will be ready in six months)
?We are making a strategic investment to make a real difference? (you can have a one-off grant, and divide the amount you really need by 10)
?Our funding is targeted at artistic imperatives? (the Government wants us to help meet its social objectives)
?Please respond to our invitation to tender? (though we?ve already decided who we want to do the job)
?Hello,my name is Jo Bloggs? (but I only exist on voicemail)
?Joe Bloggs is on a training course?..? (but soon he?ll soon have enough expertise to answer his phone)
?I?m sorry, this isn?t my area, so I?ll transfer you to ...? (someone on voicemail)
?We?ve restructured to make life easier for you? (and you?ll never be able to track down the person you need to speak to now)
?Joe Bloggs is in meetings all day today? (he still hasn?t read your application)
?Send us 30 copies of all documents? (and then we?ll ring and ask for more)
?Here are 30 copies of our newsletter? (because our mailing list is never cleaned)
?We have redesigned our annual report? (this year we chose to present style rather than substance)
?Here?s our new corporate image which has cost?..? (.. a lot more than we would let you spend on renewing your corporate image)
?Welcome to our smart new offices? (but our meeting room is fully booked)
?but most of all, the sight of an RAB leaping into action after years of inactivity, to fight off the Arts Council of England and save its own skin!
In the interests of balance and fairness, if any former RAB staff would like to like to submit their own suggested quotes and translations they?ll miss from arts organisations we?d be only to pleased to hear from you ... and we always protect our sources.... e: editors@artsprofessional.co.uk